October 1st

The beginning of October usually marks nothing particular. It’s just another month, with three months left in the semester. Possibly the wiccans get all excited because Halloween is approaching and they think it’s some kind of witch festival (Samhein was originally a harvest festival), but for the most part October is nothing.

For me, though, October 1st marked the end of a bet: “”As to the deal. Let’s just lay the ground floor down, I thought about it last night and realized that I don’t want any wiggle room plus there’s a little bit of unfairness in it. As I understand it the bet, or whatever, hinges on the United States going to war with Iran by the end of September. If they do, then I lost and have to admit that the President knew about and personally controlled the gun running operation known as “Fast and Furious” in Mexico. If you lose, you stop emailing me about it? No, that’s not fair, if you lose then you have to admit that you were wrong in an email to me about this whole conspiracy web that somehow links the gun operation to the president (I won’t repost the email but I will paraphrase it for my blog).”

One of the biggest problems with arguing with pseudo-science conspiracy theorists is that they are notoriously difficult to pin down. Each conspiracy theory is almost entirely unique they have a shared genera but individuals tend to spout their own specific theories. It’s really a case of “one-upmanship” they can’t tolerate being second place, so they add their own twist and then let the smugness and pretension flow from within. The other aspect of their slipperiness is that no single event ever happens on their own, it’s all interrelated. Which is evidenced by the fact that this person “Nick” seemed to somehow tie together the failed ATF operation with a looming war between the US and Iran. I had to be specific, ultra specific.

One of the defining aspects of the conspiracy set (as well as the pseudo science, and mysticism–basically anything you find in the “New Age” category at the book store) is that it’s un-recreatable. It’s an important aspect to History, Science, anything. Two people ought to be able to look at the information and draw the same conclusion. Right now several labs with the capabilities are retesting the CERN faster than light results. It’s the process that is important. Without the screaming or the rolling of the eyes, no two piles of “facts” put forth from a conspiracist generate the same conclusion. I backed “Nick” into a corner because not only did I know he was wrong, but also that he needed to see it as well. Forcing a prediction out of the supposed “facts” of his conspiracy would level the playing field. Objective evidence doesn’t work, it cannot. They simply deny it. I had an email exchange that directed me to explain the collapse of the WTC Towers without referring to the internal collapse of the floors creating a piledriving effect, more commonly known as “pancaking.” This would be like arguing with a Creationist who wants you to explain why there are no transition fossils but won’t let you present the Archaeopteryx, Velociraptor, or Homo Erectus.

If, as he claimed, I was the naive fool for not seeing it, than it ought to be predictive. It’s fact not theory (using the non-scientific uses of the words). However these facts are unique. They not only explain historical events but show that there is a guiding hand with a clear purpose. The conspiracists all claim to know the purpose so they should see what is happening next. Which is why I forced the prediction.

Thus October 1st has come and gone, no war with Iran. Not even a drone strike. Nothing. I’m still waiting for the email, but I doubt it will come.

The Optional Re-Write

Back in December I had a one on one interview with a professor to discuss my final paper in the class. It wasn’t anything special, he required these in lieu of a presentation in the class. I didn’t like this requirement because without sounding too boastful I completely rock at giving presentations. Yet, a face-to-face interview is still nice because I’m a much better speaker than I am a writer. As long as the paper was adequate I could better explain the concepts in it orally rather than through the writing itself. I’m not sure what the difference actually is in my head, perhaps it’s the immediacy of the conversation and the opportunity to correct myself on the spot rather than having a written paper which is complete and final.

I walked into the professor’s office, which was completely Spartan by any definition of the word, and after introducing myself again to him he remarked that he didn’t like my paper. I didn’t blink at the comment, because it didn’t matter whether he liked it. Academics are about what you can prove not about what a person likes. If, for instance, a person wrote a paper I hated (which happened more than I would have liked–basically any pro-Marx paper I received) they could get a good grade if their argument was good. I knew the professor wasn’t that into American Pragmatism and my paper concentrated on John Dewey with respect to Martin Heidegger. He could not like it, but it could still be appreciated.

The problem was that the reason he didn’t like it was exactly for the reason that I feared the most: I had made a mistake. Heidegger has these concepts of ready-to-hand and present-at-hand. Because he’s German he likes to hyphen, don’t ask me why but I’ll bet it has something to do with the German language which I don’t speak. In basic definitions present-at-hand is the theory of an object. If you need to pound something you think of the idea of an object for which to pound and that object is a hammer. Present-at-hand is the idea of a hammer and its possible function. In this respect as well, it is any object that could possibly be used to pound things. The second, the ready-to-hand, is the object as you are using it. We tend not to think of the objects that we use while we are using them. To do so would severely impede our abilities to perform actions. My typing is me using the keyboard without thinking of the keyboard or the location of my fingers. If I did so, my typing would completely slow down reverting possibly to the hunt and peck method of writing. Even now, in writing these sentences I am having trouble not thinking of my fingers while typing. More to the point is walking. One of the most difficult problems in robotics is getting a robot to do everyday tasks that we perform without thinking of them. Walking was the first hurdle, which is why that 1950s looking Toyota robot (from the late 90s early 00s) moved so slow, it needed to compute weight balances and such just to take a couple of steps.

That makes sense right? The problem I had was that I had messed up the definition of the ready-to-hand. I had written the paper as though the object being used was still considered an object. To do this would fall into the consciousness trap that I had just previously mentioned. Since the whole paper was built around this it essentially collapsed under this fault. Not good, what saved the paper (and my subsequent grade) was the section on John Dewey after the mistake which was independent of the mistake–until I put the two together–and my explanation of some of the concepts in the paper.

I re-read the paper and huffed. I tried to turn the paper in early so I could get some pointers on it as Heidegger is notoriously difficult to read, comprehend, and enjoy (although people like the Nazi for some reason). Yet the professor stated that he didn’t do pre-reads of drafts. A policy that I am unfamiliar with and disagree with, but that’s his policy so I just have to deal with it. A reviewed draft would have saved my grade, but I stress that I should NOT have made the mistake in the first place. So today, sans conclusion, i have just re-written the paper making the changes necessary.

Here’s the thing: it probably won’t be accepted for a change of grade. If the professor in question won’t even look at them early the odds that a grade change for a better paper are pretty slim. None of this really matters to me though. My other class grades are sufficient to bolster what I received in the class. Why am I doing this? Because I feel terrible for having turned in a bad paper.

Statistics rule society. People need things that can be measured, because as Calvin said (the comic character not the theologian) when the numbers go up you are having more fun. We know things are effective when the numbers increase or decrease depending on what the numbers are attached to. Thus an effective student has good objectively defined grades. This doesn’t take into consideration whether or not that student can teach, speak, or perform only that the student is technically proficient. This goes for any subject. Good accounting and the focus on the numbers are what got us into the banking collapse. The numbers went up so the business was doing well and this focus is inherently dangerous because it removes any focus on the individual or on ethical considerations.

I want to turn in the revised paper because I want to show that I can write without making a mistake. Nothing in the paper was that groundbreaking but the mistake burns in the back of my head. Even if I had gotten a good grade in the class overall, I would still have rewritten this paper because I care about more than just my grade. Education is supposed to be about more than just grades and numbers, we are supposed to be learning something and I cannot without hypocrisy let the paper slide and still hold that opinion. In all the requirements of passing classes in graduate school should go way up and everything should just be a pass/fail. We would probably turn out better doctoral (Ph.Ds and Mds) and Master’s students that way.

Random Disjointed Blog Post

Gwen’s getting stranger. I guess that’s to be expected from a two year old, but she’s just a weird little monster now. It’s getting harder and harder to argue with her she uses her cuteness to wear me down. I fear for the people that she will eventually date if she keeps this up. One thing that I have noticed is that she will say “no” to a suggestion only to suggest it herself later so that it will be her idea. It’s hard to tell her no in turn since she remembers that I asked it earlier, only now it comes from her so she takes a bit of pride when we do it. She can be so smug sometimes.

Her new hobby is drawing. I don’t mean doodling either nor do I mean scratches on paper that only she can decipher. She draws people, little heads with eyes, mouth, teeth, and hair. Then she puts in a couple of stick legs and names them. I really hope that all of the drawings of me are not how she seems me. Laura and I jokingly call them her “deformities” but it’s really cool to ask her to draw a picture of someone and watch her sit down and sketch them out. I don’t know if this is advanced or on par, and I would hate to be one of those parents that thinks everything she does is evidence of her inherent genius but it’s hard not to. Although she will speak in full sentences and I know that is something my peers sometimes can’t do.

One semester of Grad school over with and it went well…I suppose. I made a huge mistake on one paper which led to a B-. That wasn’t good at all. I need to rewrite that, not just for a better grade (which I’m not sure the professor will change) but just to have a paper that’s correct. The other one, also a B, I can revise but I haven’t looked at it yet. I just don’t want to worry about it between now and the New Year. Although I have an idea what was wrong with it and it was mostly stylistic.

I should get a book reader, and not a color one either. The color ones are just laptop screens, and if I could read a book off of a laptop I wouldn’t have a problem. The whole publishing industry is moving in that direction, right now Borders is in deep financial trouble and Barnes and Noble is heading there also. The price drop between electronic and paper is quite incredible, one book I am going to need costs 47 in paper but 9 as a file. It shouldn’t even really cost that, but someone has to get their taste of the action.

Kind of addicted to Hearts on the computer. I can’t do anything without having to play a game…that reminds me. Cool I just won a squeaker.

Trying to read Aristotle over the break. I’m taking a class on the Metaphysics this coming semester but attention keeps straying. I mean that I’m still reading Aristotle but I keep drifting from Metaphysics and into De Caleo or De Politica. It’s a good thing I don’t have “On Things Heard,” which could be titled “De Bullshitica” but I don’t think that’s a word in Greek. I should probably get the Oxford Complete Works but it’s 97 dollars in the stores and online…although it’s 18 bucks on a reader, further backing up my claim that I should get one.

X-Mas tomorrow, makes me glad I don’t live in the year 3000.

Blocked

This is exactly the worst time that I should be doing this. However, I think that I need to kick start my brain into writing mode and although some people may not believe that these blog entries serve any purpose it’s all just practice for the paper writing. I currently sit in Starbucks on the library table that takes up a good deal of space in the small building. I am surrounded by source material to the left of me are both of the text books that I used when I was teaching Medical Ethics. To the left of me are two magazines (The Atlantic and Skeptic Quarterly) opened to articles on Autism. Beneath those are the PDF articles that are useful to my paper. This table could easily fit three people on one side and I have annexed the entire side with my stuff.

Yet, with all of this material around me, not to mention that I have two power points, another PDF, and my already started paper open on my laptop, I cannot get writing. The trouble is that immensity of the paper that i have to write and my love of the subject. For the most part I didn’t really like teaching bioethics. Mostly because I stuck with the cliche topics and after five semesters they became kind of rote. However I never tackled the subject of pseudoscience and the danger of legitimizing it before. It was one of those traps that I fall into, I don’t like talking about the subjects that I really like because it can infuriate me when someone disagrees.

This time the danger is a bit more real. It’s not just disagreement, it’s a grade. If I can’t prove that medical ontologies should not include false beliefs or at the very least include them but indicate that they are false, then am I just bullshitting this? The worst part is that it’s all here, both the theoritical reasons why (with some minor objections about patients’ rights) and actual evidence about what happens when you let such false beliefs propagate, outbreaks of pertussis in California for example.

I just can’t transition well enough to get past the six page block where I am now. I’ve performed all of the actions that normally stall me in writing: checked three email accounts, briefly skimmed facebook, and now I am writing this. It’s a jump start…hopefully. I’ve even found the articles in the text book that I need I just can’t get into it.

The largest trouble is that I need to get this one done this weekend because a week from Monday I have another paper due. One that I haven’t actually started but I have all of that research done. The writing for that paper, save some new block like this, will just be a grind.

Perhaps, I have something right now, or perhaps I will just end up staring at the blinking cursor for awhile longer. Either way I can feel it in my brain the inkling of an idea, a transition sentence. It really is all I need to get going.

Then again it may just be another game of hearts…

One More Day

I like being in school, I just don’t like being in classes. Perhaps I should say that I don’t like being a student in classes, but that would be a lie, I just don’t like having to do the final papers. For the first month or so of my classes those due dates are like abstract art, you kind of understand that they exist but it doesn’t really matter. Until someone rips the painting off the wall and holds it ransom. Which is what these last two weeks feel like.

This is your life as it stands right now: two papers left, two down, and one presentation.

We must remember the maxim of Murphy as well because everything is going wrong. The weather turned, which isn’t a surprise this is Western New York in the corridor of the Great Lakes, but no one else apparently can remember that. Push the plows out and get it done, I have an hour commute. Then the wireless internet decides that it is going to quit at school, I wonder if the professors will take, “I left my ethernet cable at home” for a valid excuse?

Then I mysteriously became ill. I only get sick about once a year and unfortunately it is usually a crippling cold, but sometimes not. This time I know what it is going to be, because a little gremlin that I live with is sick right now and she gave it to me. It’s just not a good time to get sick I have two papers to write.

One paper is difficult because I have all the research but no topic to write about. That’s the Monday morning class, and it’s not due until the 20th of this month…somehow we worked that out. I’ll give one guy in the class credit for the hail mary pass he went for today, “So professor it’s a 12-15 page paper right?”

No, it’s a 15 minimum. That’s fine, I can do that…I already have the research done, two years of papers from grad school previously of which to mine for sources and subjects, two and a half years of lectures and assignments from which to mine from, I just need a topic. Like the Sophist Gorgias give me a topic I can find fifteen pages of words on it, that’s not hard. Making it good is only hard if you have trouble with a topic…that’s my problem right now. It haunts my dreams.

The fifteen minimum is normal, a standard really, but today in the Biomedical class we were thrown a loop. We all made assumptions of the final paper thinking they would be like the standard, but “standard” is a concept like “average.” It means there will be deviation from the norm. Whereas one of my papers had to be a maximum of 10 pages, this one has to be a minimum of 20…with the added bonus of having something publishable. Not that our grade is going to hinge on journal acceptance, but the two professors would like something to be there.

That’s actually the easy part. I know that exposing quackery in medical science/pseudo-science is interesting to people because it causes controversy and people like controversy, but that minimum of 20 makes it hard. I know that the paper I was going to write was going to be in need of fluff at around 10 pages, so i added a case study. Now I need more case studies which will hopefully make it more general as opposed to the specific focus I had in making the anti-vaccination crowd look like idiots.

I like the writing which is why i hate the 20 minimum. Because I like it, I don’t want to fluff it filling the topic with bullshit just to make a minimum. They know I know the stuff, because not only did I trash the medical quakery of the Jenny McCarthy crowd but I also dug into the African Traditional Medical Ontologies which include witchcraft and soothsaying as entries (don’t laugh too hard there is a repeated push to include such things as “faith healing” and “miraculous recovery” which is as preposterous as it is unfalsifiable). Now I need more examples, journalistic examples at least….any skeptics out there want to help me out?

The Drinking Commandments

My drinking commandments, inspired by personal life experience and a google search for “drinking ten commandments.”

1) “Thou shalt learn that brown liquors are the holiest of liquors.”–Name a brown colored liquor that you can’t do a shot of and then order on the rocks. All Whiskeys, Bourbons, Scotches are pretty much universal in purpose booze, on the other hand you may be physically able to shoot gin but unless you are looking to throw up immediately you probably shouldn’t. One might object and say, “What about vodka?” Well, I must admit that I am a big vodka fan and occasionally drink it on the rocks, but it has no distinct taste. If you are drinking a glass full of Russian drinking water (“Vodka” is derived from the Slavic word for “Water”) you are looking to get drunk.

2)“There is no such thing as a Chocolate Martini.”–Or an appletini, or a stawberry martini. A martini is not the glass it comes in, it is the ingredients in it. Which should only consist of Vodka or Gin, Dry Vermouth, and a small olive. Some people use a cocktail onion but I’ve never done it. And ladies: stop stealing my olives!

3)”The Longer the Name the Weaker the Drink.”–I was tending bar once and a guy kept drinking a substance with Orange Juice, Cranberry juice, Peach Schnapps, and Vodka. I served it in a cup that was 1.5 Pints. For those of you who don’t know this is called a sex-on-the-beach. It will not get you drunk. The fruit juice and ice effectively water down the drink, you end up getting full before you get drunk. The long name indicates that it tastes good, is usually for women, and are reserved for times when you want to go all day.

4)”If your beer brags about being Low Calorie It Is NOT Worth Drinking” This seems to be common sense. Low calorie means low taste, usually. The thing about low calorie beer is that it is made for people trying to lose weight. If you want to lose weight don’t drink beer. On the other hand beers like Guinness have typically lower calories than Pilsners or Ales, but they don’t brag about it.

5)”Do Not Set Thy Shot Glass Down Until It Is Empty” You are sitting at the bar having a good time, and someone buys a couple of shots. You toast, then drink, then notice that the person next to you still has liquid in their glass after they put the glass down. I’m sorry do you not understand the meaning of a shot? If you can’t finish it, don’t take it.

6)”Honor thy Bartender” They are the ones that give you the drinks and they have to put up with a LOT of shit. Sure bartending may seem like the best of all possible jobs, but that’s only because you are drunk at the bar…they are working. Plus good bartenders know good customers (i.e. the ones that tip well) and usually can be relied upon to hand out a couple of free shots or at least turn your whiskey and coke into a coke and whiskey.

7)”Thou Shalt Not Refuse a Free Drink” Seriously, it’s free. Unless you have to drive, what have you got to lose? Just take the damn thing, but remember that you must reciprocate.

8)”Thou Shalt Always Know What is in Thy Favorite Drink” This was a complaint of a friend of mine and I never understood it until I was behind the bar myself. Example: “Can I have a {insert whatever stupid drink here}?”, “You know, I’m not really sure how to make it could you tell me what’s in it?” “No, the guy down the street makes them really good, are you sure you can’t do it?” The thing is that no, I’m not sure because I have no idea what is in it. In fact, it might be the guy down the street’s signature but more than likely it’s something simple with a stupid name or one stupid superfluous ingredient. Like a Screwdriver (Orange Juice and Vodka) with Blue Curacao and called the blue whale.

9)”The Franchise Bar Is Going to Rip You Off” This is because they take inventory quite seriously. They not only count beer but also liquor, some places even weigh the bottle at the end of the night. Most have magnetic shot pourers that cut the stream off after exactly one ounce, if you want to get drunk at these places skip their margarita menu and just stick to the oversize beers.

10)”Thou Shall Always Obey Thy Rule of Threes” If you plan on going out for one drink, you are always going to get three. The first one doesn’t count, and there is always, “ok one more” before you leave. While going out for “just a couple” usually means the whole night since the word “couple” is a vague term with no definitive meaning. And if you say “I’m going out for a bit” it means you are probably coming home at three in the morning in a cab…or a police car. 

Columbus Day

This is really the biggest bullshit holiday that we have in the United States. Christopher Columbus is a jackass and I’m not even going to touch the slavery thing…no without that consideration he’s still a jackass. I know that I wrote this same idea last year but it bears repeating, he didn’t do anything but conquer some land for Spain.

I will grant that it makes more sense to sail West rather than want to deal with Middle Eastern travelers but at some point you would think that old Chris would have realized that no, he did not land in India. I’ve brought this up before as well, and again I think it’s important. Christopher Columbus has arrived on new land while searching for old land. The old land he was searching for was anything that would facilitate an alternate route than the silk road. He lands at a place where there are no cities, no indications of the developed civilization that Europe had already been trading with for centuries, and still he thinks that he’s landed in Asia.

It’s important that after his brief stint in jail for embezzlement and being a general asshole governor at the behest of Spain, he STILL thought he was in Asia. Even after Amerigo Vespucci sailed and charted nearly 6,000 miles of coastline, noticing that the continent they were near was not Asia; Columbus still refused to believe it. If that isn’t jackass behaviour I don’t know what is.

Of course all of this is predicated on the failure of the Vikings to maintain a colony in Canada. At least they knew they had landed somewhere new though…

2014 Class

So this list has finally come out.

It’s weird to think of most of these things being normal for them but actually abnormal for most of the population. I remember teaching some students in the run up to the last presidential election and a good majority of them had never been alive when the United States’ president wasn’t named “Bush” or “Clinton.” The funny thing is that when I was teaching it was a good possibility at the time that this was still going to be the case with Hillary.

Of course some of the entries on the list just seem capricious. Item number 62 indicating that there have always been hundreds of channels but nothing to watch is only an extension of my generations “dozens of channels” but nothing to watch. The really odd one has to do with Ice-T because it really missed the mark. They remark about how “Cop-Killer” (#24) has never been available on recording, they should have mentioned that Ice-T has always been an actor in police television shows, the irony there being more remarkable than one of his controversial songs at a time when the entire genre of gangsta rap was controversial.

The other rap oriented one regarding how Snoop Dogg has always been rapping is strange to me. Because I have been alive for his entire career and not only is he still rapping, but he’s always been rapping with the occasional movie role. What else am I supposed to be remembering about him? His murder trial, well he was rapping when that was going on as well.

#74 is obsolete stating that “they’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi channel.” That no longer exists as it’s called “Sy-Fy” in an effort by the station’s management to divorce it from the Science Fiction aspect that most people associated when the station was called “Sci-Fi” (seriously*).

What interests me more than a group of high school kids now entering college are the future mind sets of people like Gwendolyn, or my new cousin Michael. In 16-18 years there is going to be an astronomical gap in their experiences versus mine.

For instance if Gwen is on a bad date, she won’t have to suffer through it any more than she will a bad television show since her phone is going to have access to all sorts of entertainment. Sure that will make her a jerk, but a more entertained jerk. When I used to date, a boring conversation was something you ground yourself through, it focused your ability to make something out of nothing, these kids nowadays won’t have to do that. That’s probably a bad thing though.

Speaking of phones, kids her age will never have to carry around quarters, pocket sized phone books, or write down a number on their hands. All of that will fit in their pocket on the very device that they will have needed the above three for to begin with. I know this is a bit detrimental, as in high school and the first couple years of college I could remember about twenty phone numbers with only a second’s thought, now I feel lucky if I can remember five…yeah, five.

Although when asked what she wants to do, Gwen will sometimes say “libwawy” [library] she won’t ever need to go. With the advent of Google Books, electronic readers, and the internet she could go to the library but that will be mostly because her dad wants to drag her there for free CDs. While in this economy libraries are receiving a great deal of new interest, some of them are starting to convert over to electronic texts which will not need a visit to an actual building. Although how you limit someone’s time using them will be interesting to see, anyone remember DivX? By that time though, CDs are likely to be a thing of the past as well, given that media companies are realizing that removable media wastes valuable money that they could be raking in not allowing you to share copies of things.

She won’t know a lack of cruise control or GPS. Battery power will be as important to her as gas is in a fuel tank. They are already talking about ways to get around “charge anxiety” in electric cars, but I’m talking more about electronic notebooks, books, and pens. The element Li (Lithium) while be a prized commodity as she will encounter that more than she will Fe (iron).

Going four years from now seems like a light move. Gwen will never know a time when the Simpsons wasn’t in reruns also I will remember a time when she was younger than Maggie…she, of course, won’t. Rap will always have had it’s own Grammy award, and at one time or another a movie starring Gene Hackman or Michael Caine will always be on is no longer a hypothesis but a proven fact. Which according to a thin majority of Americans makes a bullshit thesis from the movie PCU more scientifically accurate than Evolution. 

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*“The name Sci Fi has been associated with geeks and dysfunctional, antisocial boys in their basements with video games and stuff like that, as opposed to the general public and the female audience in particular…We spent a lot of time in the ’90s trying to distance the network from science fiction, which is largely why it’s called Sci Fi.”- Tim Brooks, founder of Sci-Fi

The Hangover Chart

Sunday and I’m hungover. What was once a normal, regular…probably too regular occurrence is now irregular. Mostly because of little Gwen. If you think that having a hangover is nature’s way of punishing you for having fun have one with a small child and you’ll stop recycling out of spite. About two years ago I was in the middle of a really solid hangover, a good one as the kids say, and I was asked “how do you feel?”

Typically the answer is always, “hungover.” That usually doesn’t get much information across because the person asking is only trying to aggravate you more, so you have to expand on the idea. What is a hangover, in fact why is it even called that? If it truly was a hang over from the night before I would still be drunk and having a good time. Unless the alcohol convinced my brain that it was enjoying a headache and upset stomach. Anyway, I digress…

So two years ago I’m sitting at this guy’s campsite trying really hard to make sure that the baby didn’t eat any rocks (which she did) and all of the sudden it hit me: I should make a chart. Well “chart” isn’t the right word, it’s more like a list with descriptions like the terror alert color list that no one ignores since it’s been at orange for the last eight years. What am I supposed to do at orange anyway, bring a sweater?

I also wanted to correlate the list with the number of drinks that I had the night before, but that wouldn’t work for a couple reasons. The first being that sometimes you just don’t plain remember how much you had. Not because you blacked out, but because you were drinking out of a pitcher (the rough estimate is a little less than five beers per pitcher) and you don’t know how many you had from the pitcher only that your friends and you went through six of them (Muttz was like this back in the day).

Secondly you sometimes get the bullshit sneak attack hangover. The type where you literally have one (re: three) drink and wake up the next morning with a headache, stuffy nose, and grogginess and think to yourself, “this is such bullshit, how am I hungover?”

Let’s be clear, it’s not what you drink, whether you mix or not, or my dad’s personal favorite draft beer versus bottle; it’s how much you drink. It’s simple math, the more alcohol you drink the more hungover you are going to be. Of course different drinks give you different hangovers, nothing is worse than the dreaded red wine hangover.

The only cure I have determined is time. Like our short existence in this reality time will cut short a hangover as well. I know that’s not really a cure, but every hangover in reality is just dehydration sickness. The headache and dry mouth are the best indicators of that. The stomach is from the all of the stuff that makes up a beverage being left over when the alcohol is absorbed, because alcohol doesn’t need to be digested if you hold a shot of whiskey in your mouth for a long time it will enter your system, I forget why this is the case as it’s been a long time since I have been in a chemistry classroom.

Alright here’s the chart, it ramps up suddenly so saying that you have a level four may not sound that bad but it’s hard to want to leave the bed with one. Also these are general categories nothing specific.

The format is level, title, symptom. All levels include the symptoms of the previous one.

Level 1: “I held back last night” Hangover: Slight grogginess due to the fact that if you fall asleep with a slight buzz you don’t really sleep you are just unconscious.

Level 2: “That Last Beer was Probably a Mistake”: Moderate Grogginess, minor headache, stuffed sinuses. Subject may also present constant yawning.

Level 3: “Started with Beer Switched to Liquor:” I know what I said about mixing, but here’s the thing. When you go from beer to liquor you drink the latter like the former which is why you get sicker as liquor has more alcohol per volume (mystery solved), this is also why going from Guinness to Liquor doesn’t produce the same effect as most people don’t chug Guinness. Symptoms include: Moderate Grogginess, minor headache, stuffiness, with an added upset stomach.

Level 4: “I’m never doing shots again:” Extremely tired despite having been out for 12 hours. Major headache which feels like your skull is squeezing your brain, sinus pressure and stuffiness, dry mouth, and a strange desire for salty food which is unfortunate because eating requires carefully ingesting small bites lest you trigger dry heaves.

Level 5: “From now on, It’s only beer:” Consistent yawning, Sick stomach with the intermittent desire to vomit, willingness to eat under the knowledge that being hungry too will just make things worse. Some loss of motor coordination, extreme impatience.

Level 6: “Uh, Where Am I?”: A psychological unwillingness to do anything and attachment to the bed. Persistent hunger from the body trying to repair itself, random and unconnected dry heaves, and increased loss of motor coordination.

Level 7: “What Day Is It?”: Light causes physical pain, movement possible with focused concentration. Can only eat things that are small and need no work. Basic tasks are difficult.

Level 8: “I swear to [insert name of favorite Deity], I am never doing this again!”: Can only consume liquids, and even then in small sips. Sensory information is painful, sleep is the only comfort.

Level 9: “Ben Franklin was an asshole*”: Vomiting, the worst headache that anyone had ever.

Level 10: “This is Weird:” It’s weird because you have no symptoms, because you are still drunk. Beware though, the pain train is on its way.

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“Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Thucydides, book 1

“The absence of romance in my history will, I fear, detract somewhat from its interest; but if it be judged useful by those inquirers who desire an exact knowledge of the past as an aid to the interpretation of the future, which in the course of human things must resemble if it does not reflect it, I shall be content. In fine, I have written my work, not as an essay which is to be applauded of the moment, but as a possession for all time.” –Thucydides, 1.22, The History of the Pelopennesian War

I’m currently reading Thucydide’s mammoth book on the Peloponnesian War. What strikes me about the book so far is that it appears to be timeless in it’s story as the conflict between the Athenians and the Spartans is at the same time abstract and particular. I mean it’s particular to the two cities and their allies (or subjects) but the reasons for war, and the speeches given in both support and against are almost the exact same that have come out of the mouths of leaders and politicians from the contemporary era.

Because, I’m cheap I bought the Barnes and Noble version which compiles a great deal of commentary and some small quips regarding the work, this is obviously done so that they can justify charging for a copy of the book that is so readily available for free on the internet. One of the commenters (I forget his name) mentioned that he was assigned the book in grad school during the late 70s and was instructed to read the book as a metaphor for the Cold War. Athens, of course, was the United States while the USSR was to be the Spartans.

While I did grow up during the end of the Cold War, it’s not as fresh in my memory as more recent debates. Nor was I as conscious of the danger posed by the possibility of the Cold War going active. When it’s 1985 and you are six years old, the idea of nuclear war doesn’t really register. Especially when your parents have not given you reasons to be afraid of the Russians (which sounds like a stab at them, but it’s really not, the Russians more than likely didn’t want nuclear war anymore than we did…well maybe under Stalin and Kruschev they did, but since then?). I can’t read the book with the framework of the Cold War in mind, at least not without having to read a whole slew of books about the Cold War in order to attain the mindset necessary.

It’s also hard to maintain Thucydides in light of the current wars in the middle East. Whilet can be argued whether or not we are Athens or Sparta neither of the two cities really fit in with the enemy over there. While there were some minor engagements with rogue operations at the beginning of the Greek wars, they were the exceptions rather than the rule. Everyone knew who the enemy was and why they were fighting, whereas nowadays I’m really hard pressed to understand what it is that Al-Qaeda wants.

What did strike me, if I really needed to read the book as a metaphor was to do so in regards to an ideological difference between liberals and conservatives if you frame Athens as the left and Sparta as the right. Of course, I will probably end up offending some of my right winger friends with that statement so I am going to offer up some proof from book 1 (the whole thesis may change as I keep reading but as far as book 1 is considered I believe that holds up). 

The Spartans are described as being traditional, customary, and exclusive with regard to foreigners. Also, “we are both warlike and wise, and it is our sense of order that makes us so. We are warlike, because self-control contains honor as a chief constituent, and honor bravery. And we are wise, because we are educated with too little learning to despise the laws, and with too severe a self-control to disobey them, and are brought up not to be too knowing in useless manners,”–King Archidamus of Sparta, 1.84

The Spartans are only educated enough for what they need to get by in life. Basically this means war, and what the laws are. They also seek to exclude foreigners from participating in city politics to the point where the Spartan allies are not even allowed to witness the voting procedure on a measure that the same allies brought forward.

The Athenians on the other hand are constantly shifting their customs, find the innovation is a virtue, and pride themselves on their knowledge of the “useless manners” that the Spartan king despises so. “There, far from exercising a jealous surveillance over each other, we do not feel called upon to be angry with our neighbor for doing what he likes, or even to indulge in those injurious looks which cannot fail to be offensive although they inflict no positive injury.” Pericles of Athens, 2.37.

Athens is represented as the more liberal state, while Sparta is definitely locked into its customs. The Athenian drive for innovation and change is recognized as one of its strengths as they have embraced the newer technology of Naval Warfare which won the Median War (aka the Persian War). Metaphorically the story of this conflict seems to be about the progress vs. custom, new v old, the democrat v the monarchy, the empire v the conservative. The war begins with the Spartans and their allies broke, and unable to compete with the navy of Athens. Then in book 2 the war begins….